Wanna know a secret? O and I have been trying to conceive a little baby wonder for almost two years. Also this week I started taking the pill again. So I guess you guess what that means. We were not successful, and I am sad about it.
Back in 2008 when I had that surgery, the docs said that the tumor they found on my L intestines was either cancer, or endometriosis. They told me that if it was cancer, that was bad, and if it was endometriosis then it meant I was most likely not going to be able to conceive. As you can imagine, I was relieved when I found out it was not cancer!
So for the past several months I have had painful, expensive procedures (insurance does not cover anything for my fertility issues b/c it is considered a pre-existing condition). I have taken hormones and since I have been off the pill, every time I have ladyproblems it hurts more and more. I have had so much anxiety because I needed to stay off the pill to get pregnant, but being off the pill could make my endometriosis get worse! Ahhh!
Right now I am finally out of the hell soup that is taking fertility hormones, but my body is adjusting again to taking the pill. I feel so sad all the time, and I can't seem to settle on any decisions. Also I can't sleep, I am sweating all the time and my belly is distended and it hurts :(
A few months ago I decided I wanted to move, now I don't know...because what I really want is to live in New York...but we can't make a huge change like that now b/c of O's business (and he isn't as jazzed about the idea as I am) and because we are planning to adopt a little baby wonder!
I am very excited about this prospect, much more excited than I was about getting pregnant. I think deep down I was so sure it was not going to happen, that I never let myself actually believe it could, except for when I did believe it. Talk about emotional roller coaster. I know we will be parents, and I am looking forward to it, but I also feel like sleeping forever, and not having to make any decisions about anything ever. Except maybe what kind of doughnut to eat, and what wine would be the best wine pairing with it.
Sometimes I feel so bitter about all of this shit! I mean, if I had not felt so bad when we lived in NYC we never would have moved. And if I hadn't gotten sick, maybe I wouldn't have developed Endometriosis. No one knows shit about what causes it or how to make it go away (except get pregnant, or take the pill). That pisses me off too. I want to live in a city I love, but I feel stuck in Atlanta because I love my family and O's family. O's business is here, and my life is easy and uncomplicated and fun...Plus when we adopt I want our folks around b/c they are pretty awesome.
Then I remember that I am lucky to have O, and my family and most of my health. I don't have to worry about how to pay for food and water, or bombs falling on my head. As O would say: Are you tied up on a dungeon floor? No? Well then that settles it.
We decided against it, and making that decision was one of the hardest trials of my life! I felt guilty about that b/c seriously, that isn't a very big problem to have, and also I kinda felt like I was supposed to do IVF. The fertility world is sort of crazy, I mean the doctors just expected us to do it, and so does everyone else. You should have seen some of the judgmental faces I get when I fell people we opted not to do IVF, wowzas. I couldn't handle the thought of even more, and stronger hormones, the expense (up to 20k a pop, with a 50% success rate) or the anxiety of taking more time off the pill, and feeling my lady times get worse and worse...insurance would not pay for a surgery if I needed another one, so that is another 30-50k we would have to come up with...Its enough to make me bitter. I opened up about it to my wonderful folks and O's parents, and everyone agreed that I needed to make the best choice for myself and for O. You know, this ordeal made me realize how easily I can be pushed off course. I mean, I knew in my heart and in my gut that I didn't want IVF, but I let myself be conflicted about it, and conflicted about pleasing other people in my life. O, of course has been amazing, he didn't take it personally when I threw things or sobbed b/c his shirt was draped over the door....again.
Its hard to admit that I didn't handle this whole episode with the dignity and self assuredness that I hope I exude most of the time. But dude, thats what fucking happend, and I guess this will teach me to be more confident and self aware in the future.
We have not chosen an agency yet, or a lawyer or anything; but we have so many options and so many wonderful people offering us advice and love and support. I am sure that when my hormones back that shit up, O and I will get hella started on realizing the next step in our lives: parenthood! We are excited to go on this adventure together, for reals.
I am also happy that you guys will get to hitch a ride on our adventure too. That makes me think, I might have to cut back on the cursing.