Sunday, May 8

From offspring number one

Holly shit this has been a shitty week. Ya'll it has been epic. You know I stabbed my left hand right? Well it didn't heal too well, and in the process of doing everything with my right hand, I somehow sprang my wrist...and I got a major cold (you know, fever, chills, the persisting pooping problems) and I got my woman troubles all at once. Lets just say I spent Friday evening toilet weeping, a phenomenon where by you sit on the toilet and weep and get sick. Yup. Awesome.

I called my mom and she comforted me. My mom is from Argentina, so she is very opinionated and dramatic (that must be where I get it from) and quite funny, even if she doesn't always mean to be. I have some very priceless memories of her from when I was growing up that make me laugh every time I think about them. In honour of Mother's day...

I have that exact same hair cut right now.

On the occasion of my wanting to subscribe to YM magazine (young and modern, btw.)
"What? YOUNG MALE! No way, you can not subscribe to Young Male Magazine, you are too young."

On the occasion of thinking I had a stray tampon floating around in my lady parts when I was quite young and laying on a table in stirrups in the emergency room while a very cute and young doctor plumbs my insides (plus my best friend Lindsey knew this girl who's cousin had a sister who totally died from tampon poisoning...oh youth)

Well, she didn't really say anything, how could she? She was snickering and giggling too much. If I am ever in her shoes I hope I am cool enough to do the same.

Yup, probably wearing a pad here. I remember being sooo jealous that my friend Lauren couldn't swim that day on account of just having her hair permed! My mother wouldn't let me perm my hair (damn straight! look at that girl, she is waaayyy too young for hair damage.)

Lets see, she made me wear a pad to swim practice when I started my lady troubles (she assumed correctly that I was too scatter brained to handle tampons).

"You are totally pulling that off, no one can tell you have a giant pad in your bathing suit full of water."

Not true mother! You gave yourself away snickering when I turned around, and waddled away to sit somewhere and sulk.

She totally let me buy and wear a white jumpsuit with giant palm trees printed on it against her better judgment.

Some high school dance bull honkey

She waited a whole year of me wearing only my grandfather's old cardigans, men's shirts and khaki pants to school to ask me if I was a Lesbian. Nope, just really really ahead of the curve on the menswear trend. Like Duh mother.

On the occasion of me talking back to her one time.
"Thats it MICHELLE! This is the monkey that broke the camel's back!" I got a lot of extra grounding b/c I busted out laughing, it still makes me laugh...monkey...teehee

 Christmastime! (ahem, man's shirt) We look so much alike!!!

It always cracked me up that I was not allowed to say "fart," "crazy," "crap," or "boogers" because I was not to "talk like a truck driver." The thought of a truck driver saying boogers really tickles me pink, I must say. I guess it didn't work b/c I shared my toilet crying story with you guys, do truckers toilet cry? They must, they drive trucks all day...

Awww, my cute mommy

Oh mom, you are the best. Happy You Day! I was not an easy one to rear up, but you did a great job and love me so very much even though I talk like a trucker and voted Democrat. I love you too, thank you for making growing up such an adventure, and I am looking forward to sharing all the crazy malarkey my daughter does with you when she is driving me crazy, and posting random stuff about me on the interwebs. I lovelovelovelovelove you!!

-offspring number one


  1. What a fun post. Poor little you having to wear a pad with her bathers. Oh dear!

  2. Michelle, Michelle, Michelle...that was one of the greatest mom tributes ever. Your mom did good.

  3. i am dying inside bc you had to wear a pad to swim.

    also i was sick the night i left your house...i thought it was the carrot cake.

    also- you are way cool.

    i have to give your mother big ups for that.
    happy mothers day michelle's mom.

  4. love this post!
    I don't think I would've survived wearing a pad and going swimming.
    Love the last photo!!

  5. Love this Michelle! You are so funny and your Mommy is super cute!

  6. Oh this is so funny and so sweet. My mother didn't allow "trucker talk" either. I didn't even realize until I was a teenager that much of our family language was substitute words made up by my mother so that crude "fart" and rude "pee" wouldn't cross our lips! I thought everyone said "I have to 'lah-lee-lah' when they had to pee!

    Your mother is the best. You, Michelle, are the best tribute to her fabulous mothering.

  7. Somehow I managed to keep my laughter subdued until I imagined truck drivers using the word "boogers". Pretty sure my office mates now know I do nearly nothing work-related while at work. I blame you and this fantastically hilarious post.

    P.S. Who doesn't have a friend whose cousin's sister died from tampon poisoning? I'm pretty sure I knew her...

  8. Do you realize how friggin adorable you are? You are a beautiful.
    This post cracked me up. Love it. I can't imagine wearing a pad in the swimming pool. Gees, being a girl can really suck.
    I hope you are feeling better, dear. Hugs.

  9. What a great post! Swim team was the ONLY reason my mother let me use tampons and even then only because I told her another girl used a pad which came unstuck in the pool and if she made me do the same I "would kill myself". Good times...thanks for making me laugh!

  10. Awesome post! Thanks for sharing & making me lmao!!

  11. Ha ha, this really had me giggling throughout. Great post!

  12. Lol You crack me up. You looked cute. Now, you look pretty, just like your mom.

  13. a bit late but want to say what a lovely tribute to your mom. you are both winners and keepers. love linda


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